SAN FRANCISCO – (For Immediate Release) – United Native Americans are proud to announce that it has bought the state of California from the whites and is throwing it open to Indian settlement.
UNA bought California from three winos found wandering in San Francisco. UNA decided the winos were the spokesmen for the white people of California. These winos promptly signed the treaty, which was written in Sioux, and sold California for three bottles of wine, one bottle of gin and four cases of beer.
Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasion Affairs, has announced the following new policies. The Indians hereby give the whites four large reservations of ten acres each at the following locations: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats, The Badlands of South Dakota, and the Yukon in Alaska. These reservations shall belong to the whites “for as long as the sun shines or the grass grows” (or until the Indians want it back).
All land on the reservations, Brightman noted, will be held in trust for the whites by the Bureau of Caucasion Affairs, and any white who wants to use this land in any way must secure permission from Commissioner Brightman.
Whites will be allowed to sell trades and handicrafts at stands by the highway. Each white will be provided annually with one blanket, one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy of the The Life of Crazy Horse.
If you are competent enough, you will be able to be a BCA reservation superintendent. Applicants must have less than one year of education, must not speak English, must have an authoritarian personality, proof of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence. No Whites need apply.
Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of four boarding schools, to which white youngsters will be sent at the age of six (6). “We want to take those kids as far away as possible from the backward culture of their parents,” he said. The schools will be located on Alcatrez Island; the Florida Everglades; Point Barrow, Alaska; and Hong Kong.
All courses will be taught in Indian languages, and there will be demerits for anyone caught speaking English. All students arriving at the school will immediately be given IQ tests to determine their understanding of Indian Languages and hunting skills.
Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows: Whites at Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital; those at the Utah Salt Flats may go to Juneau Walk-in Clinic in Alaska; those at the Yukon may go to the Honolulu Hospice. Each hospital will have a staff of two part-time doctors and a part-time chiropractor who have all passed first aid tests. And each hospital will be equipped with a scalpel, jack knife, modern tourniquet and large bottle of aspirin.
In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars and popular consumer products will be given traditional white names.
One famous Indian movie director has even announced that in his upcoming film, Custer’s Last Stand, he will use many actual whites to play the parts of soldiers, speaking real English. The part of Custer will be played by noted Indian actor Jay Silverheels.
Certain barbaric white customs will not be allowed, said a UNA spokesman. Whites will not be allowed to practice their heathen religions, and will be required to attend Indian ceremonies. Missionaries will be sent from each tribe to convert the whites on the reservations. White churches will either be made into amusement parks or museums or will be torn down and the bricks and ornaments sold as souvenirs and curiosities.
Note: This is an old satiric press release from the days of Indian rights activists we thought timely in the light of the continuing controversy about Indian genetics. Find more Native American humor and inspiration at Panther’s Lodge. Photo: School artwork from the Cherokee Indian Reservation in North Carolina.